Its really quiet right now. All the kids are in school and I am in the room painting. I know that it sounds like I must paint a lot. But I do not. Actually. Just the last three days. I have taken a few things from my schedule that I really had no business doing because its totally against my personality and it made me feel overwhelmed. (avon) I try to sell it online but it doesn't seem to be doing me any good there either. I tried for over a year though. I want people to come to me with their needs.. Not me having to go to them and trying to figure out what they want just so they can tell me to go away and see me as a burden. Not my thing.
I was thinking about facebook today. I do not like it. Since I have had facebook I have felt more lonely than I have ever in my life. I am pretty sure the devil made it up and disguised it with "Ohh you can see all your old friends again and be happy" when really it was thinking "ahahahah.. now I can make all those who feel like shit already - feel even worse. And the best part about it is, they will not even know why they are so depressed!" I get so sad when I see all my old friends. The ones that I had the most fun with because all we do the whole time we chat or leave messages is say "I WISH I could see you again!" "I WISH we could go here together" "I WISH I WISH I WISH". Makes me miss them even more and reminds me of how alone I really feel all the time. My mom used to tell me "You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up the fastest". I never knew what that meant and I do not really think I am clear on its meaning today! hahaha..
Another way facebook makes me miserable is when I spend too much time on there. I do not take care of the house or the things I should be. Then I get overwhelmed with everything because I get so far behind. Makes me feel bad.
What else? Ohh.. Okay. I thought of one - When I see all the happy posts and all the fun everyone else is doing I feel jealous or left out. . If you have felt jealous then you know its one of the worst to go through. It seems to last the longest. When your spouse or whatever cheats on you - it gets better eventually - but jealousy never stops breaking your heart. Or when you hang around others and you can not figure out why you feel miserable when you are with them because you feel you are having so much fun - but deep down inside she/has has more than you, is prettier than you, has more friends than you, has a better house than you, gets to eat when she/he goes home. Well one day I made an observation. My cousin who always writes on her wall about all the happy times she is having and how she is getting out and having so much fun. How her love life is perfect etc. She is always traveling too! So I went home for christmas last year and I visited her. She was bitching and complaining about everything when I was there. Her and her husband fought the entire time. She had no money. She was a mess. Her body seems like its falling apart also. I then noticed that I do not write how I really feel on facebook either. Just the fun and silly things that are going on in my life. Everything thinks that I am this happy - go - lucky person also. So if facebook makes you feel like it did me, just remember.. its probably not all that is seems. :) I no longer feel that way. And even if I do I am happy for those people - I really am. I wouldn't want anyone to be unhappy. It sucks.
Why do I still have it? Well its kinda like when you go through your closet with the intention to get rid of unused clothes. You grab a shirt that you never ever wear and think "no actually I will wear it eventually". Yeah.. that's me and facebook. If I get rid of it.. I know I will want it back. So whats the point? Madness!
It looks like its going to rain later. Nice. :) I like the rain. So do my flowers.
XO!
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