I did not get much sleep last night. I was trying really hard to find things to help me fall instantly asleep. I couldn't. Normally I would read or crochet - but that does not seem to work anymore. I start to fade out but then I wake up again. So the last couple of nights I have tried watching TV. I put on some documentary about something I am sure I will like so that I do not fall asleep with any negative feelings at all. It has been working. Last night however I watched Nurato. And I ended up watching a lot of it. 2 hours of it in fact. No sleep. I was too into it I guess. Not sure why it kept me awake for so long. My husband came to bed about 11 and I tried to turn off the lights. That is when it all starts.
I start to hear everything so much louder than normal. It bangs in my head to the point where I am getting angry. The cats start to lick themselves. I try really hard to ignore them but the harder I try to meditate through it I end up in tears! Its as if I explode! My husband thinks I am just being an asshole. I can't explain it. I love my cats so much but the noise. I can not take it! I feel like I am being tortured at some point and I crack! Just saying this is making me break down because I am not a bad person. I would never hurt them and I never do. When I try to explain this to others I hear "oh geese they are just taking a bath". I know! I know! But it makes me so mad! It gets louder and louder the more I try to ignore it. I have to get up and chase them away. I have my dog trained to stop licking her paws when I say her name. I can not train the cats. Then the frustrations of "is the doors locked" I get up. I check them. They are locked. If my husband goes out of the doors after I have checked them I feel anxious. I have to get out of bed again and make sure he locked them. I do not do this over and over. Just can not go to sleep and will think about it until I do get up and check. If I hear any slight noise upstairs - I am out of bed and checking on my angels. Then back downstairs to bed. I lay there listening. Then I start to pray because when I listen bad thoughts come into my mind about my angels. What if this happened to them? What if they suffer? What if I can not help them. Then scenes of them suffering pop in my head. I cry and try to fight them back. I try to do it by praying and asking God to protect them but all end up doing is crying and that is when I finally fall asleep because I am so exhausted from crying.
Last night I could hear the fan through the ceiling. So I could not sleep. It just kept driving me crazy. It sounded as if it were fading in and out. I had to go up and turn it off. I went to bed and layed there. Got up again and checked the doors. Locked. Back to bed. Layed there. Heard a weird noise - walked into the living room and just stood in silence waiting for another noise for maybe a good min. Nothing came. So I sat on the living room floor and thought maybe I should stretch. The back of my legs have been really hurting as if I were doing squats. I have not done anything that strenuous. I sat down and started to stretch it out. It hurt! I just started to bawl. I could not stop crying as I stretched and sat in the dark all alone. I stretched for another couple of min. cried the whole time. Then I got up went to my room and got into bed. Finally fell asleep.
Sometimes its worse than others. Sometimes its nothing at all. The part that I fear the worst is the thoughts of my little ones being hurt. I used to love going to bed. I loved it because I knew the day was over and I could finally get rid of it. Now - I hate the night time. I know that I am not crazy and I can fix this. I just need to figure out what triggers is so that I can patch that hole. That is why I am putting it in this blog.
Now that that is off of my chest.. I am ready to work on some art work.
Thanks for listening.
XO Honestly.
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